Just Fine

First off: 10 followers!!! YAYYYY! Thanks dudes! I know the side thing only says 9, but my blogger dashboard says 10 so I'm assuming there is a super secret one (maybe Ellen?) that follows in hiding, for whatever reason.

Moving on, there is a Mary J. Blige song called "Just Fine" and I play the chorus (the only part I really know) in my head when I start freaking out about life sometimes. There is one part that says something about walking past a mirror and being just fine with it, which I personally don't agree with (for me) but other than that, I'm always like, I'm fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, WOOO! Or something along those lines.

Anyway, I am constantly reminding myself I'm fine (fine, fine, fine, fine, WOOO) because I have little mini-meltdowns and forgot. This usually happens when I'm bored. Also, when things don't go my way. I cannot stress enough how much I hate being bored. It makes me very unhappy and I start thinking bad thoughts. But then something social comes along and I'm like, oh yeah, I'M FINE. Sometimes, though, I find myself in social situations and I'm still not fine. I'm more like, what the hell am I doing here? That, and, why do boys hate me? Why don't they do what I want them to?

Ok, well, I don't think they hate me, but they never seem to do what I want them to do. I really wish boys and girls could just be up front and honest about shit. I feel like it would cut out A LOT of guess work and unnecessary worrying/analyzing. At least on my part. A good part of my life is wasted being concerned over what a guy is thinking/means/feels. The most annoying part about that? It's literally, probably nothing. Apparently boys don't think about anything, ever, and think girls are crazy for assuming they do. I don't know how to turn off the thinking! It's annoying. This how I wish things would happen:

Me: Do you love me? Do you want to be my friend? And if you do, well then don't be afraid to take me by the hand. I think this is how love goes? Check yes or no.

Boy: checks yes

Me: Alright, let's do this.

...we date. we kiss. we dance. Whatever. I really and truly am not looking for a husband. Or even a super serious boyfriend. Kissing and dancing is all I really want. This worked for George Strait, I really don't know why it can't work for me.

Oh yes, because I live in the real world, not a country music song. Also, every time I've done the real world equivalent of asking someone to check yes or no, they've checked no. So that sucks. And then it sucks more, because things get weird. I usually power through the weird though. I'm pretty good at overcoming awkward situations (it's kind of my thing...that, getting out knots and catching random things...like, with my hands...not colds or something), so it's whatever. But it just means no kissing and that is very sad.

Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that when I think about boys, other song's choruses come to mind. Have I mentioned I have a constant soundtrack running through my head pretty much all the time? It's what would be playing in the background, if my life were a movie. Which it totally should be. Anyway, this is what boys sometimes get:
"Dammmnn, I wish I was your lover."
"Can anybody find meeeee, somebody to love"
"Smile, though your heart is aching."
"My, my, looking for a guy guy, I don't want him too shy..."
"I'm not that girl" (Seriously, I'm never that girl)
"Here I go AGAIN on my own"

And a million others that are equally melodramatic and ridiculous. I wish I could sing them for you, I feel like you would understand better.

Whatever. I'm bitter. I mainly just don't understand. I feel like I have REALLY bad timing. That, I'm always like, oh, maybe he's just shy. Then I remember "He's Just Not That Into You" and I'm like, fuck. And then I try to force myself to not be ridiculous and throw myself at him in my weird way, (very passive aggressive, borderline embarrassing, involving booze so I blame on the al-al-al-alcohol), then failing miserably. Guess what usually ends up happening. Then I either power through the awkward (if I have to see him again) or I pretend he never existed in the first place and he gets deleted from my phone. Very mature, I know.

One last thing, since we're sharing about how ridiculous I am. I check the craigslist missed connections all the time. One, because they're hilarious and two, because it would seriously make my life if someone was talking about me one day. It would be so fucking awesome. Might be difficult since I have a hard time making eye contact/smiling at/interacting with strangers. Especially cute ones. Also, with my luck, it would the creepiest missed connection ever.

Well, that is enough whining for today. Don't be fooled, friends. I really am fine and I know that. I just have more kissing and dancing at the top of my wish list right now. Right under a job with Ellen and my other secret wish I'm not telling anyone about. You know how when you're a kid and you blow out your birthday candles and they tell you not to tell anyone what you wished for or it won't come true? Yeah, well that kind of stuck with me so now if I realllllly REALLY want something to happen, I don't tell anyone. Believe it or not, I don't actually share everything on this blog. But don't worry, if it does happen, I'll tell you. Only you though, blog friends. You guys are special.

Also on the wishlist: Feedback. And more followers. Just saying.

Dream big people!