Dante's Inferno

So. A new friend told me about this hilarious thing she found on the internet: The 9 Real-Life Levels of Hell. It's pretty hilarious. And for the most part, it's true. Even though I personally can't relate to some of them. Jiffy Lube waiting room, for instance...I don't remember the last time I have been in one. Nor have I ever been in the emergency room at 1:00 am and I don't really spend all that much time in Kinkos. Also, Florida is awesome, I don't know what those fuckers are talking about. I was born there, so obviously, fantastic things come out of Florida. Seriously, all the things they listed are in other states. Even the Cubans...there was some protest here the other day that had to do with Cuban politics. I'm just sayin. Anyways, I also don't really have a lot of one year friends who's birthday parties I have to attend. They are pretty stupid, but I don't know that I would put it on my list of hellish places. Oh, what's that? You would like to hear my list of hellish places? Well, ok! I'll see how many I can come up with....

1. I have to agree on the Open Mic Night. Really anytime anyone busts out a guitar makes me cringe a little. I don't know what it is, but I just don't really like sitting around listening to one person play guitar and sing acoustic versions of cheesy songs. Which is weird because I freaking love music, even acoustic guitar music, but I don't like solo jam sessions. I think because it's usually a bunch of girls watching one guy play and it's just uncomfortable. Throw another guy in there and we might be ok. However, if it's at the beach or around a campfire, get me out of there! I think it's just too cliche or something for me. Or who knows really, I'm a weirdo. Whatever.

2. Dry Weddings. Sorry, but weddings are already hard enough to sit through as a slightly bitter single woman, and I definitely don't want to get to the reception and find out there is no booze involved. Do I sound like an alcoholic? I don't care, I want to get drunk for free so it's less painful to watch newly married couples slow dance!

3. Public Transportation. Now, the bus and metro are not always bad. In fact, they are just fine about 85% of the time. But it's that other 15% that is just painfully unbearable. Like today, for example, when this huge group of punk ass teenagers got on, caused a bunch of problems running their mouths and then refused to get off the bus when the bus driver told them to get off. So then we sat still for 15 minutes until they got off and then decided to stage a sit-in in front of the bus so we couldn't move without running them over (which I was all for). So we sat for another 10 minutes and then they screamed at the bus driver for a while and then we finally left. Definitely on the hellish side. There are few things more obnoxious than rude ass teenagers. Especially ones with that horrible teenager voice. You know what I'm talking about.

4. Being Stuck in a Room Watching Really Bad Television. And for me, this covers a lot of shows. In general, I am not a big fan of TV. Reality TV is the WORST. I seriously cannot STAND watching most of it. I especially hate the ones with all the drama and glorification of totally ridiculous people that no one should give two shits about, much less should have cameras following around their ridiculous selves. And I REALLY hate listening to people argue and that seems to happen a lot on reality TV shows involving families, contests and housemates. And sometimes I'm in other people's homes and they are watching this mess and it would be totally rude and socially unacceptable of me to leave based on their horrible taste in TV. That's when I fake a stomach ache and go to the bathroom for 30 minutes or until it's all over.

5. Crowded Grocery Stores. I am not a huge fan of crowds in the first place, but when it becomes an obstacle course just to pick up some groceries without running anyone over with my cart, things turn hellish. And in LA, that is pretty much always the case. For real, every time I have gone to the grocery store, there are a bazillion other people there and half of them are in line. And half of those are in the express line, under 15 items with at least 35 items in their cart. I saw a woman last week buying probably 50 bottles of coke. WHAT WAS SHE DOING WITH ALL THAT COKE????? Oh, and as a subtopic for number five, being behind someone paying with a check in the grocery store/pharmacy.

6. Dive Bars. They are always crowded (we know how I feel about those), occasionally have a one man acoustic guitar show going on with no dancing involved (vomit), it takes 10 years to get a crazy overpriced drink, and they usually smell funny and are full of stupid hipsters in skinny jeans. No thank you. And if there is karoke going on, please someone shoot me. I can't stand watching people make fools of themselves. And people always manage to pick the WORST songs! Singing Bohemien Rhaspody by yourself, karoke style, is just sad.

7. Anywhere Cold. But especially cold places in the morning. Like the bathroom. Hate it.

8. Being in an Awkward Conversations with People that Don't Agree With You. Obviously, I am smarter and more right than about 95% of the population, so this happens a lot. And it sucks. I just hate when I'm all, uggh, don't you just hate those pro-life crazies that throw eggs at people going into Planned Parenthood and then the person pulls a plastic fetus out of their pocket and says, this could have been a friend...until it was aborted. And then throws an egg in your face. So uncomfortable.

9. Movie Theaters/Libraries/Operas/Airplanes/Anywhere You're Supposed to be Relatively Quiet, with Loud People. Especially when it's the person you came with. I just want to yell, I'M RIGHT HERE-I CAN HEAR YOU. But that would make me just as bad.

Well what do you know, I was able to come up with 9. I'm sure I could come up with more if I tried a little harder. But I don't want to because I would rather go to bed. Also, if you read this and are offended, sorry, but these are my levels of hell and if you're made, write your own and include reading my blog in them. I dare you.

Tomorrow, I'll have my 9 levels of heaven, just so everyone doesn't think I'm a crazy bitch.

DREAM BIG! Write your Ellen letter! :)