I Can Do Internet All By Myself

Saturday Night Live: I LOVE YOU. I don't care what anyone else says. "From a ho who didn't know her place." HAHAHAHAHA. Good job, Jesse Eisenberg!

Ok friends. Sorry about that last, slightly depressing, post. It really was the country music. Got me all pensive and shit. Just had to get it all out. But now I'm watching Ellen and it's allllll good. I'm still totally jealous of the people that get to interact with her, but as always, she is cracking me up. Also, I decide whether or not I like celebrities based on how the act on her show. Today, Julianna Margulies and Kevin Nealon won me over big time. Ryan Gosling still holds the number one spot and anyone that dances when they come it gets lots of extra points. I mean, I don't have a score card or anything but if they are super delightful on Ellen, then I will consider watching/listening to/buying/going to see/supporting whatever they are hawking.

Well, since I've pretty much already started down this path, today's post is going to be even more examples of how crazy I am. Just trying to humanize myself to my adoring public. I know I'm like a celebrity-like figure to you people, so consider this post kind of STARS! THEY'RE JUST LIKE US! kind of thing. She blogs! She eats entire pints of ice cream in one sitting! She showers! She wears clothes! She thinks crazy thoughts! I'm a TV "star," but I'm still human guys!!


Anyway. How am I crazy? Let me count the ways. First off, I have an addiction to q-tips. It's been discussed before but I just hate feeling like there is gunk in my ears. Even when there's not. It's getting better, but it's a daily struggle.

Yesterday, I bought the wrong kind of ice cream and I got really upset. Like, I was seething on my couch. Apparently there are two kinds of Ben and Jerry's with Heath Bar in it...one is boring vanilla and the other is amazing delicious coffee flavor and I wasn't paying attention and got the boring one. Damn! I ate it anyway, but I was not happy about it. Can you return ice cream? Too late now, but let this be a lesson: read your ice cream label carefully! Things can go wrong too quickly.

I also have issues with time and how to use it most efficiently. Which is actually kind of strange since there is no reason for this, as I have very little to do and tons of time to do it. I just want to be super efficient all the time. I get really stressed when I have 3 or more "tasks" to perform and I have to decide the way in which I'm going to do them. Two examples: I have to go to the post office, buy lunch, go to the bus store and take out the trash at work. If I get lunch first, I have to carry it around with me, which I don't want to do but if I do it last, it means I have to back track from the post office. But if I go to the post office first, I have to walk down the Promenade (boooo, avoid at all costs) and do more back tracking for lunch. I HATE back tracking. Seriously, I can't stand it. What is wrong with me??? It literally means walking a total of maybe 10 minutes out of my way. It's probably more like 3 minutes, actually. It doesn't make any SENSE because I have the time to do all of it and still have time left over! And an even stupider example: I'm at home, watching Ellen and it's a commercial and I need to: refill my glass of water, go to the bathroom, put on socks, respond to an email and throw something away. I get all worried because I only have a certain amount of time before the commercials are over and do I put on my socks first and then get water and then bathroom? I DON'T KNOW! I really have to pee, but my feet are cold. But I want to write the email before I forget! And I don't want to miss the show! Like, what? It's DVR'd idiot, so just pause it! The internet isn't going anywhere while you're gone! All of this wisdom in hindsight, of course. Furthermore, I have, seriously, nothing that HAS to be done when I get home, so I have all the time in the world to get these "tasks" done and could watch Ellen 10 times over if I wanted. Lord.


I have recently discovered I can pluck out blackheads with tweezers. Of course, now I'm obsessed and I'm sure my nose hates me since I am constantly poking at it. And I get mad because I can't make them all go away! Get out of here blackheads! Also, my face has been super greasy lately and it's getting annoying.

I reallllllyyy want to host SNL, mainly because all the hugging at the end looks like a lot of fun. I miss hugs. I don't get very many these days. Also, I want to be famous. Kind of.

In my head, I talk in a British accent. Sometimes in a Bridget Jones voice and sometimes in a Ricky Gervais voice. Either way, everything sounds cooler.

I truly believe that if I were able to wink, my dating life would improve 100%.

Whenever I hear a song, I picture how I would dance to it. This is frustrating because I'm usually on the bus or walking down the street and can't actually start dancing. Also, I can't dance in real life how I can dance in my head. It's very sad.

So that's enough for now. Just wanted to relate for the commoners for a bit. You know how I do.

Dream big people!