2018-"I Like Me Better..."

...when I'm with you.

::shy wave::

You means the US. And all of you, of course. I know it has been far too long, for you, my dear five readers. And I do apologize. SO. MUCH. has happened. I don't even know how to start. This is going to be my big fat cathartic post and it's going to be A LOT. Strap in.

Just to keep you caught up to the present, I'm back in America! We OFFICIALLY moved back to South Carolina in June, legally and everything. Shin Young got his green card in March (omg what a headache), we sold/packed our life up (an even larger headache), and after 22 hours of traveling, we were both officially US residents. It still feels really weird, like I am just on an extended vacation from Korea. But, I will say, that almost immediately upon landing, I felt like a literal weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Part of it was just all the stress of moving and trying to pack and worry about documents and flights and suitcase weight was OVER and part of it was actually leaving Korea behind.

Not to say that I'll never be back, and I know I sound dramatic, but I feel like I need time to heal. I haven't posted in a VERY long time and there's a reason for that. I haven't posted since MARCH of last year! It's no coincidence that is same time month I lost my job at what I thought was going to be my saving grace in Korea-a NON-TEACHING JOB. I really thought it was going to make things better. When I moved back to Korea in 2015, it was for a lot of reasons, but mainly because I didn't want to be in a cross-continental relationship with Shin Young. Not to say he is the only reason I went back, because I truly thought it would be best for me as well, but he was a big part of it. That's for another post, really.

When I got back, I had some visa..."issues," let's say. I can't remember if I detailed my immigration and visa ordeal on here, but it's also for another post. (Yall, I should write a book, my life is bananas). ANYWAY-I got back and Korea was all, you can't have a work visa, you should just get married to get a visa and I was like, HOW DARE YOU. And then that's what we did anyway. Like I said, another post. Don't get any ideas-we were eventually going to get married. The convoluted immigration laws just sped things up a bit. This was NOT a "green card" marriage. For one, Korea doesn't give out green cards-they're kind of a pale blue. Secondly, (and take my opinion with a grain of salt because I'm bitter AF), but there are very very few reasons why someone like me would need to try and fake a marriage to STAY in Korea. Again, I am extremely bitter, but my point is-unless I was *very* desperate to leave my home country, moving to Korea would not worth a fake marriage. I know there are others out there that have this unfortunate reality, but I can't solve their problems with this blog.

Goodness-ok. So anyway, we got married, had a wedding (THAT will be a doozy of a post) and I quickly realized I just COULD NOT deal with hagwon (private academy) life in Korea anymore. I was teaching kids and I literally felt like my brain was rotting. Another post, but yeah...I just couldn't do it anymore. Koreans (and a lot of people with more strength than myself) "endure" and do what it takes to make a living, but I couldn't handle it. I felt, and still feel, guilty as hell for putting the burden of main breadwinner on Shinyoung (America decided it's one word), but he said he was ok with it because he is a wonderful husband and loves me a lot.

So, after the wedding, I focused my attention on two things. One-finding a non-teaching job and two-starting A Pie Story. My first entrepreneurial endeavor was making homemade, Southern-style pies for the good people of Korea. Mainly fellow expats, but some Koreans as well. Not so much Shin Young's (the Korean version of him) family, because they eat fruit for dessert like crazy people. I took orders online and arranged a pick-up or delivery. I also sold my wares at the occasional flea market or charity fundraiser. I'm pretty sure it was not entirely legal, but I was already had a criminal record in Korea (another post), so I figured I would just continue down my path of lawlessness. Anywho-I really enjoyed the marketing and business aspects of A Pie Story-creating a business card, creating marketing content, things like that. But yall...making pie is not that easy. It's not hard, per say, but anyone that has made a pie from scratch knows that making crust is time-consuming and labor-intensive. Maybe you're thinking, um, it's not that hard you lazy bum. But, ok, think about all the time and energy that goes into making ONE pie (a more complicated one, not apple) and then think about not getting to eat it. Now think about making 10-15 of them at a time. With all different fillings. Ok, hopefully you get it. On top of that, I had to go to at least four different stores to gather up all the ingredients, carry 30 pounds of pie boxes home with me on the bus AND make all the damn things in my teeeeeeeeny tiny kitchen. Our apartment in Korea was roughly 355 square feet. THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FIVE. The whole apartment-not just the kitchen. If you haven't lived in something like that, don't give me any grief.

Right. So, as much fun as I was having making pies with my stupid ass Samsung oven that took double the time to cook anything, I was desperately trying to find a non-teaching job. Literally one of the only benefits (unless you have kids, I've heard) to having a marriage visa in Korea is that you are not tied to your job for a visa, so you have more freedom with working. Or so I thought. While I was able to quit without fear of being kicked out of the country, it is VERY difficult to find work in Korea that doesn't involve teaching ESL. In hindsight, I don't know what why on Earth I thought it was really even a possibility, but it was before the life had been sucked out of me and I was still hopeful and optimistic. Even if you speak fluent Korean (which I don't), it is very very hard to find a job as a foreigner. People do it, I'm not saying it's impossible, but finding something that doesn't have INSANE hours and pittance for pay is a challenge.

So, when I found a job that was FOR REAL not teaching and had somewhat reasonable hours, I could not believe my good luck. Seriously, I was like, this has to be too good to be true. And guess what-it was. That job (another post! sorry!) was a mess, and I ended up being "let go" after a few months, which was a shock to me, but to basically everyone at the company. It was a tech start-up company that aimed to teach English "like a native speaker" and I was the only remaining "native speaker" when I was dismissed. So, yeah. Not sure how that is working out for them, but it was a blow to my ego for sure.

So alllllll that was the background for how we got to March of 2017 and the demise of this blog. I don't really know how to describe it other than, I fell in a hole. That is what it felt like, at least. I just fell in and I couldn't figure out how to get out of it. I would have moments of light and inspiration. During one, I started another online company-A Sercy Story. It was an idea I had been incubating for about three years and I finally just fucking did it because I didn't have any reason not to. That is, guess what! for another post, but I am really proud of that project (it's still a work in progress), even though it was not exactly, as they say in the business world, "profitable." But whatever. I crawled out long enough to launch the website, get a bomb-ass logo made and plan a five country trip around Asia to stock my online gift shop. Then I flew to Malaysia and fell right back in my hole.

I honestly feel kind of silly saying I was depressed. It almost feels like an insult to people that truly have difficult lives. I had (and still have) a loving husband, I was traveling, I had food to eat, a bed to sleep in and a lot of other really great things in my life. But I was still down in that hole. I couldn't think about all the amazing things I had done in the past and I couldn't look forward to brighter days that I KNEW were coming in the future. You always have your "totally shit time" (thanks Love Actually), and I'd had TOTALLY shit times before, but this one was different. I literally just could not function.

Everyone thought I was so lucky because I didn't have to go to work. I had Shin Young to make money, and I got to sit at home, a lady of leisure. I think anyone that has been unwillingly unemployed knows this freedom is only fun for about a week or so. Those first few weeks were when I started A Sercy Story, and I had all these amazing ideas about how to take my little idea and make it into this really fantastic business. I found all these amazing deals on flights (seriously-I flew to five countries for around $250), booked mainly cheap places to stay (had a few "treat-yo-self" nights thrown in, but it's easy to do in Southeast Asia), and worked out an itinerary to find all these awesome things to go in my Sercy Shop.

Then I got to Malaysia. Started off on the wrong foot-my hostel was closed when I arrived and I had to bang on the door, waiting outside for twenty minutes until someone let me in, EVEN THOUGH I had messaged them ahead of time to let them know I was on a late flight. Then I got a bladder infection, which happens sometimes when I'm stressed and traveling. The hostel was loud and gross, and when I set out the next day, it was SO FUCKING HOT. Yall. I thought I knew hot.Nope. Kota Kinabalu is literally on the equator (guess I hadn't noticed during my planning) and I was dyingggggg. I am no stranger to heat, but this was next level. Plus, like a lot of SEA countries, it was not super pedestrian friendly, so trying to find a pharmacy was not the easiest.

Whatever. I am not blaming Malaysia. I didn't have good experiences there (the three times I visited), but obviously the country is not to blame for my mental health problems. I rallied a bit after I got some "urinary tract crystals," but I fell deeeeeep down into the hole my last night there. I seriously considered canceling the entire trip and just going back to Korea. I'm glad I didn't, but I kind of wish I just hadn't gone on the damn thing in the first place. More about the trip later, but it did end on a freaking fabulous note, staying at the biggest TREAT YO SELF hotel of all time, the Wynn Palace in Macau, complete with a fountain view room, if you please. It was beyond fantastic, seriously. I got a MAJOR deal (everyone thinks I am just rolling in dough, but I'm actually just very thrifty and know how to take advantage of deals) and basically lost my mind in that room. It was bittersweet, being there alone, and I kind of made myself crazy trying to take full advantage of it. I literally couldn't decide how to spend my time. I wanted to take a bath, lay in the bed, sit on the couch, order room service, watch the fountain, sit at the desk, ride on the gondola, swim in the pool AND wander around the casino but I only had ONE night and I was frantic, trying to fit it all in. I somehow did manage to do it all, and got an awesome free pen in the process, but I really don't recommend that sort of frenzy while staying in a fancy-ass hotel. Just enjoy yourself. I was proud of myself, however, for doing and being just what I wanted. Let me know tell you, if there was EVER a time where I stuck out like a sore thumb, it was among these RICH ASS Asians, dressed to the nines carting around Gucci luggage and gambling away presumably huge amounts of money. Me, my homemade dress (thanks Vietnam), 10-year-old Rainbows and GMarket luggage wandered around that hotel with my head held high. Was it awkward being the only person swimming in the giant pool, with five employees standing around, offering towels and bottles of water? Fuck yes. But my fat, western ass still did it, and it remains one of my greatest accomplishments.

So yeah, the best part of that trip (besides the Wynn), was coming home to flowers, a clean house, pizza, and Sister Act 2 miraculously on Korean TV. And Shin Young, obviously, but I got home around 4 and he didn't come home until around 11:30 pm , like always.

I had poked my head out of the hole at the Wynn and was feeling pretty good, but once my bags were unpacked, I tumbled back into my hole and escapes from it were few and far between up until well, now.

I would have days where I just sat on the couch and tried to convince myself to get off of it. It wasn't even a comfortable couch. But I just couldn't. I don't know how to explain it. My head would be saying "get up, take a shower, work on A Sercy Story," but my body would just sit. I would get up to go to the bathroom, or eat something (usually almonds because I didn't have to prepare anything) and then I would just sit back down. I didn't want to, but I didn't want to go outside either. Unless I had a reason to go outside-for a tutoring job, or to meet a friend, I just didn't. It was crowded, and expensive and Gangnam smells like hot garbage.

I watched A LOT of TV and movies. So much. An embarrassing amount. I had always (arrogantly) prided myself on being "too busy" to really watch too much TV or movies, but over the past year I have finished MANY a season, even series. Yall-I watched ALL of the Shades of Gray movies, for Christ's sake. It was not good. (However, the movies do have surprisingly good soundtracks, so not a total loss). There isn't anything wrong with watching TV, and I am now WELL versed on pop culture, but it wasn't good for me. Not only does TV give you really unrealistic ideas about life and love, but it would also make me really, really homesick. I hadn't lived at home since 2009, and this was the first time I ever truly felt homesick. Thanksgiving and Christmas shows made full on weep. Like, couldn't move or function or wash my face. I tend to like, really absorb whatever I'm watching and that usually isn't a good thing. Love stories make me bitter because Shin Young, with all his virtues, does not have a romantic bone in his body. Sitcoms made me sad because I didn't have a group of friends or a gay bestie to meet at a bar or coffee shop. And anything from Shondaland made me anxious or gave me major sass. IT'S HANDLED, YALL.

Anyway. There were snippets of light, when I clawed my way to the top of the hole. Sometimes it was for no reason, sometimes it was coffee, but usually it was because I had a reason to leave the house. When I finally started getting some private tutoring jobs, or was able to meet up with a friend, I felt semi-normal. I showered, put on real clothes, left the couch, sometimes even put on make-up. But then I'd come home and be alone again and if I didn't immediately have another reason to leave the house, I would slowly sink back down. And I hated myself. I felt like I was outside my body, watching myself be a sad sack of uselessness, and I couldn't do anything about it. I could only watch and wonder if and when the next bright spot was coming.

I was really sad because I knew A Sercy Story had so much potential. It's a good idea, and truly, I am proud of what I accomplished, but I had BIG plans for it, an entire notebook full of great ideas. Old Jacky could have done it. But this new, stuck-in-a-hole Jacky didn't have the energy. I was getting more sleep than ever, but I was always tired. Not like, sleepy tired, but felt like not only was I already in a hole, but something was pulling me even further into it.

A big part of the problem was my lack of human interaction. Without a job to go to everyday, there would be days where I literally would not open my mouth to speak until Shin Young got home. At 11:30 pm. I wasn't lonely, exactly, but I felt very isolated. I could talk to friends, usually through Kakao or even video messenger, but that was only for a few hours out of whole weeks of not truly talking to people. Sometimes I had ESL classes to teach, but tutoring is nowhere close to a genuine relationship. I am a textbook extrovert. I need people, I get energy from them. Sometimes, when I would finally get to meet up with or talk to people, it was almost overwhelming and I felt like crying of happiness. Basically I was just crying all the time.

I thought getting a dog would lift my spirits, and at least give me a reason to leave the house every day, so I talked Shin Young into letting us foster a dog in November. And that's how we got Pepper. I do not regret for one second deciding to adopt her. She is precious and I love her to death, but she couldn't fix me. She did give me someone to talk to do during the day, so that was nice. And I also made some good friends through dog meet-ups, but she added stress in other ways. Not just like, the everyday responsibilities of owning a dog, but owning a dog in Korea is NOT the same as having one in the US and my anxiety about going outside shot through the roof.

I went home for Christmas in 2017, which was stressful for a lot of reasons (mainly Pepper, poor thing), but it was a turning point. My amazing mom pushed me in the direction of finally getting some real help in Korea. I had been putting it off for a lot of reasons. The biggest was the whole not-being-able-to-get-off-the-couch thing, but also because I didn't have a steady income and mental health care is not easily accessible, or cheap in Korea. The thought of trying to find a reasonably priced, English-speaking mental health care professional there was a task I hadn't had the strength to do. The trip home gave me a boost, and somewhat of a reminder that I was not myself. When I got back to Korea, I finally looked up information on how to get some help and forced myself off the couch, out the door, and to the doctor's office, where I cried for a full thirty minutes trying to explain my hole to him.

And he totally got it. He aptly labeled it "tunnel vision" and while it wasn't exactly the meaningful, healing treatment I dreamed of, he was able to I guess, justify, that I wasn't just lazy, or sad, or crazy. Not that anyone had ever said I was, this was all in my head.

I finally got some medicine. Did it solve all my problems? Hell no. Shin Young was under the impression that I would magically be in good mood all the time (poor guy-we were fighting a lot), and that is not at all what happened.

We had started the green card process in October (just before the SUPER CHUSEOK of 2017), and were finally able to start making an escape plan after the approval in March.  In April, I got into a very minor car accident in Seoul and that was really the tipping point of we HAVE to leave. I very seriously considered leaving without Shin Young and just leaving him to his own devices to make his way to America. Not like, divorce him, but just move before him and hope for the best. We had a lot of loose ends to tie up. It never really felt real, but we finally left in June.

And now here I am. Back in South Carolina, feeling lighter (I'm not actually lighter, I think I've gained weight). I still cry a lot. I'm crying now, writing all this and listening to the soundtrack from "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" (HOLY FUCK ANOTHER POST FOR SURE-that movie hit some kinda chord, and not just because Peter Kavinsky is the high school boyfriend I never had. Anyway-ANOTHER POST), and for a bit, I had a whole new set of problems. But I felt like my head was out of the hole. It was just barely poking out, but I could see the light. Looking for a new job was THE. FUCKING. WORST. Seriously. My mom, bless her heart, kept commenting about how "demeaning" it is and it was like, MOM I KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO VERBALIZE IT EVERY DAY. But yeah, it was a struggle to keep myself propped up out of the hole, but I somehow did it. The difference was hope. I knew better days were coming and guess what! They came! They're here! I'm living them and I am so so sooo happy.

I got a job. It's not the best job ever, but I have met lots of great people, it's a good company AND there is FREE DIET COKE. Heaven. Hea-VEN. But seriously. It feels SO good to have a schedule. I get up, I put on real clothes, I pack a lunch and I have purpose from 8-5 every day. My commute isn't bad, plus I get to drive! I don't have to walk past literally a million people and wait for a bus. Plus-my car is old enough to have a CD player and I found all my old burned CDs. THAT has made commuting super fun.

And the kicker. I am *literally* living my dream. Some of you may know, I grew up on Sullivan's Island, but moved away when I was 13. Not to be dramatic, but my childhood was pretty idyllic. You know what, another post. Point is, the dream has always been to move back. Property on the island has SKYROCKETED (it is completely insane), but I was in the right place, at the right time, and had the right childhood friend that hooked us up with a rental on the island and....there just aren't words. It's one of the OLD beach houses (built in the 50s, on the ground, not elevated like they are required to be now), converted into a duplex and sits on an amazing piece of property. We have a marsh view and are four blocks from the beach. FOUR BLOCKS. The house is old, it's small (a mansion compared to Bellache) and the floors are wonky AF, but I light up every time I pull in. I am so in love with this little house and our little life here now, I can't stand it.

I am fixed. I still struggle. I still cry and have bad days. I think bad thoughts and get grumpy and get mad about stupid shit. But I feel like I am just about ready to crawl all the way out of that hole and start living a full life again. I'll keep you updated. (Hopefully).

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Dream big, people! So, so big.