No, I will not be running a marathon, supporting Scientology, having twins, or launching a singing or acting career. I am merely emulating her song, I'm Real. I decided that I'm going to be real (what you get is what you see..or read) today. Not that I'm ever fake really, but there will be no sugar coating today. And this entry is going to be slightly depressing. So just quit reading if you don't want to listen to Debbie Downer (me) whine about life. I'm hoping to get everything out there, use writing as my therapy and then move on. That is really the goal. I don't want to depress people, but it might happen. You've been warned. Also, I'll be speaking in generalizations, but I think we all know what is going on. There will be slightly happier news at the bottom. Feel free to scroll down.
So. Going back to my amazement with time and how much it changes things, I have once again been floored at how even just one hour can flip my life around. I'm back to being heartbroken and it fucking sucks. I don't think there is any worse feeling than realizing that, even though you wish more than anything it wasn't true, someone just doesn't care about you like you want them too. And it's weird because this has happened to me multiple times before, so you would think I would be used to it by now. But I'm not...it hurts every time. I think the most painful thing is knowing that you are not worth it to the other person and they are perfectly ok to let you go and not have you in his/her life. It's that simple. And through a text message too. Ouch.
But the thing is, I can't decide who I'm more mad at...me or the other person. I'm frustrated with myself for a lot of reasons. Mainly because I KNEW BETTER. I knew better than to let this person back in my life. I knew that he/she had a history of breaking my heart and not thinking twice about it. And I don't even understand myself because I knew that it wasn't going anywhere. I know I am going to be leaving the country someday soon (FINGERS CROSSED) and I knew that things were going to end there. Why did I keep fighting for this stupid, pointless, destructive relationship? I used to feel sorry for those pathetic women that were in abusive relationships and would just not leave the person. I was always like, that person is so weak and lame, why don't they just get the hell out. And now I know why. And don't misunderstand, I was NOT being abused and it is NOT the same thing..but there are parallels. It's because you love someone. And I really think love is the most powerful thing ever. It really does make you do stupid, crazy, nonsensical, DUMB ASS things. And I know I'm being melodramatic and cliche, but sometimes that is how I am. Deal with it. And the thing is, I never EVER thought I would be one of those pathetic women. I thought I was better than that. But here I am. Then again, I never thought I would be a lot of things, but here I am. For example, I used to think wearing flip flops with jeans was horribly ugly and uncool. And you better believe it is now a fashion staple for me. I digress. I have learned the hard way that when you really love someone, your feelings and your heart come second. And it sucks more because my extremely smart brain is telling me that I'll be ok but my pesky heart keeps making my tear ducts turn on. It's so annoying.
Don't get me wrong though. I am plenty mad at the other person as well. I can't understand how you can say so much and lead someone to believe that you really and truly care about them...and then just change your mind...again. Twice. That is the worst part. This happened twice. I gave someone a second chance and am in the same situation all over again. But again, it goes back to me...fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And the saddest part is, I think I would give them a third chance. Fool me thrice, someone push me off a bridge. I just keep thinking he/she is somehow going to be struck with wisdom, the clouds will open up and he is FINALLY going to realize what a huge mistake he is making. But it's not going to happen. I think I'm really sad too because a huge chunk of my life is going to be missing. That person was a big deal and now they're not.
I guess I keep going back and forth between blaming myself and blaming the other. I know I'm amazing and awesome and super. So is it my problem that I keep wasting it on people that don't deserve it or is the other person for not appreciating what is right in front of them? I don't even know if that made sense...it did in my head.
Dear readers, I know I need to shut up. I know I need to move on and stop whining. I know that moving on to bigger and better things is what needs to happen. And I think I'm going to do it this time. For real. I am just really sad right now and it is going to take time. I really need that life fast forward button. And also please don't think I spend all my time feeling sorry for myself. Number one, I have lots of stuff going on and I am keeping busy. Number two, I know that much MUCH worse things have happened to other people. I know I am not the first person to suffer through a broken heart and I will definitely not be the last. I just felt like this was an outlet to leave it all on the table and hopefully a way to help me walk away from it all.
Hm, also...I just looked up the "I'm Real" lyrics and they really don't apply to this situation at all. But whatever, I was still real. Just maybe not in true J.Lo style. That's cool, she is kind of pyscho anyways.
See what I mean? What kind of sane person would wear that?
So, in other news:
I won both my softball games last night! Hooray! And I didn't do horrible. I get really nervous playing with the new team because they are more hardcore and better than my other team. But, I did not embarass myself last night other than one missed grounder. And, I batted well, which was a welcome change.
Oh yeah! Homecoming was super fun! I had a great time, which was kind of unexpected. But still, a pleasant surprise. I saw lots of good friends and had a very good, drunk time. Exactly what I wanted. I did get a little upset though, because the stupid ticket lady gave everyone free tickets that had their student ID...and then I tried to use mine and she was all, what is your ID number? You don't still go here do you? UGH! Punk! She caught me. But then I got all sassy and was like, you didn't check everyone elses! She said, yes I did! I said, no you did not because you just gave everyone else that graduated with me a free ticket! Then I ran away so she wouldn't yell at me. I was drunk..but not fearless quite yet. So boo on getting caught and having to spend $15 on a ticket. I don't feel bad though...I mean, there are tons of students that don't go to the game...I was just using one of theirs! And, there are tons of times I didn't use my free ticket, so I think it would have been ok for me to get in for free. But whatever. And, I lost my black fleece. Which really pisses me off. One, because I didn't even use it. Two, because it was expensive. Three, I just bought it last year. And four, I know someone out there has it and they KNOW it's mine because it has my freaking name on the tag. Grrr.
Hm, that's about it for jacky news. Sorry again for the sad rant, but I needed to get it out. I feel better already. Feel free to send distractions my way.
Later dudes.
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