If I were a club....

That title is to be sung to the tune of "If I Were A Boy." I'm going to let that sink in.

Ok. But for real. I went to a club last night and I have some suggestions on how things could be improved. Actually, I attempted to go to one club and then went to another instead, so this is about both of them combined. There may also be some comments about how you should act as a club-goer.

First off, do not shut down your guest list at 10:30 if you said it was going to shut down at 11. There is a big difference. And why even shut it down at all? If you're on the list, you should be able to get in whenever you feel like it! People on the list (like me) are important and awesome and your club would benefit from having me inside.

Also, $25 to just get in the club is ridiculous. That is why I didn't go in the first one. Club's loss. But sadly, not really, because there were plenty of other people that were willing to pay that.

Now, if I were to actually open a club, I would put it in a huge ass building. That way, there is plenty of space for walking, dancing, drinking, picture taking, flirting, etc. A tiny ass dance floor at a place created specifically for dancing is not going to cut it. I would literally find the largest space I could and make it into a club. This is in my fantasy world where I have an unlimited source of money and resources. There would be multiple places to sit and anyone can sit wherever they damn please. You would not have to pay a ridiculous amount to have sitting privileges.

I would also have multiple rooms. The more variety of music you have to offer, the better. One room would just be music I like and that is where I would be all the time. But, the other rooms would each be a different kind of music. That way, if a song sucks in one room, you just move on to another until you find your jam.

Also, multiple bars and a hundred million bathrooms. Two stalls is unacceptable. I would also not allow those attendant people in there either. I can get my own paper towel, thank you. I would have mints, condoms and tampons set out for people to take. Again, unlimited budget. I can do what I want.

There would be lots of places to sit down. I would also have a flip flop/flat shoes vending machine where ladies could buy a pair of super cheap but super comfy shoes to put on at the end of the night when their feet are screaming out in pain from the hot but painful shoes they have on. I would also have some sort of locker system where you could put your jacket, purse, extra pair of shoes, etc so you don't have to carry it all around with you while you're trying to get your dance on. And you don't have to pay to hang up your coat.

There wouldn't be a super strict dress code, but you are not allowed to come in if you look way too skanky, like a homeless person or your outfit is just really terrible. I would be the final judge on that.

The drinks would be crazy strong and not crazy expensive. The club would also be attached to a Waffle House/Jack in the Box/Chic-Fil-A/hot dog stand or some sort of food court with all of the above where people could go sober up/drunk eat before they go home.

For people that are too drunk to function or are getting out of control, there would be a recovery room with a cot to take a nap (ONE PERSON ONLY, there will be no scrumping in the recovery room), aspirin, water and calm lighting. You could go take a power nap, or stay for a few hours while you sober back up to acceptable social behavior. There would be a separate place for people needing to throw up.

The bouncers would prevent the following: creepy and ugly men dancing up on unsuspecting girls and not getting the hint to leave. Creepy and ugly men taking creepy pictures of random people while they're dancing. Annoying girls that want to rearrange the dance floor while they take a picture. Crazy people climbing over fences and busting into the club trying to make trouble. People that are super awkward and don't know how to dance. Basically, they would make sure the dance floor is for dancing and not for any other unwanted shenanigans. They would be the CIA of the club world.

Last but not least, my club would not close until 6 in the morning...or maybe ever. I haven't decided. Stupid people would not be allowed inside and no drugs would be allowed. It would be the most amazing club ever in life.

Now, who would like to help me fund this? Donations welcome.

Dream big people!