A Rant

You know what REALLY pisses me off? Like, really really REALLY bad?

Fucking commercials. Especially fucking bullshit sexist commercials that pander to women about the stupidest shit ever and expect us to be happy about dumb ass shit AND expect us to do fucking everything.

First up: cleaning products. WHY do the stupid dad and son get to have fun, act like idiots and slide bowls of salsa back and forth across the counter? First off, who the fuck does that? Salsa is for eating, not sliding across counters. In walks mom just as the salsa bowl hits the chips bowl and splashes all over the nice clean counter! Oh hahaha says mom! No worries! I'm soooo thrilled because I have these fantastic paper towels to clean up the stupid mess my stupid ass husband and son just made! No, please, husband and son, I got this! I'll clean it up ALL by myself even though I'm NOT the one that made the mess. Please, continue sliding perfectly good food back and forth across my nice clean counters. In fact, why don't you grab the broom and the mop and play hockey with some other messy substances across my nice clean floor. And don't even worry if it makes a mess because guess what else I have....a NEWWWWW MOOOPPPPP!!!! And some super awesome other random cleaning product, HOOORRAAAYYYYY!!! My life is SO great because I have all these awesome cleaning products! And, if you get it on your clothes, I can do laundry with my new super fantastic detergent. I have detergent and fabric softener and dryer sheets and OH MY! I am just so thrilled, I can't even stand it. YAY! (side note: the commercial where the mom goes out on the town and gets her daughter's shit dirty is awesome). Why is the dad NEVER helping clean?

Second: The Holidays. Man, all I want to do as a woman is decorate my house! That is what I do with my time. But, y'all, it is SO stressful because I just want to hang up my decorations but I might leave a mark on my walls!! Oh my goodness, whatever can I do about this? Oh, what's that? There are hooks that come OFF the wall without leaving ANY marks? None at all? You can't be serious. Thank you, Jesus, my life is now complete. Now I have time to bake pies and cakes the rest of the food for my family! And clean up the mess from all that cooking. Wooo boy, good thing every woman has a family to take care of.

Third: Cars. Apparently men are the only people that are interested in driving cool, fast cars. The women are obviously all at home cleaning and hanging up decorations, so they don't have any time for driving around in cool cars. When they are finished cleaning, women can only get in minivans and ugly "safe" cars to drive around their kids and.... No, that's it. Kids and cleaning, that is all we are god for.

Four: Reality TV shows. WHOOOO is watching this shit? Are British people the only people with any common sense that know how to raise kids and get jobs? Who cares what real housewives are doing? What makes people from Jersey any more interesting than the rest of this? WHY are we glorifying strippers, pregnant teens and socialites? WHO IS WATCHING THIS SHIT? Seriously.

Five: Make up. I'm soooooo ugly! Make me beautiful make up! I have to get rid of dark circles, wrinkles, unclear skin, droopy eyes, dull cheeks, boring lids, bland lips, stumpy eyelashes and everything that makes me ugly and unattractive to men.

Six: Toilet paper. Are we fucking serious with these people? Bears? Bears do not use toilet paper. And they certainly don't use toilet paper as a precursor to bear sex. Who comes up with this nonsense?

Seven: Credit cards. Credit card corporations are EVIL. Do not pretend that you are on my side and are out to help me. You are not going to be able to help me reach my life goals financially so get out of my face and off my TV.

Eight: Lap Band. Get thin now! The people in these commercials are so terrible.

Annnnd, I'm done. Thank you and goodnight.